Asking your child to leave your home is a serious, personal decision.  It may be the most difficult decision you will ever make regarding your child.  Your decision must not be made out of revenge; it must be made out of love.  Your ultimate goal in separating is that it will ultimately lead to your child’s repentance.  The following considerations will help guide you.  If your child is still a minor, be sure to obtain legal advice before making any decisions.

HeartCry

A support group for mothers of rebellious teens/young adults

A rebellious child may upset the balance of family relationships.  Your child may be rejecting your parental authority as well as ignoring family rules and basic courtesies.  In addition, your child’s rebellious behavior can demand an inordinate amount of your time and attention.  As a result, you may neglect your marriage or other children, resulting in further hurt and resentment.  If other family relationships are being destroyed as a result of your rebellious child’s behavior, it is time to consider asking your child to leave your home.

A rebellious child can have a significant impact on family finances.  Your child may be stealing from you and other family members to support a destructive lifestyle, especially if addiction is involved.  You may have noticed subtle losses, such as missing change or small pieces of jewelry—or your child may be stealing larger items, such as electronics, that can be taken to pawn shops.  You may find yourself hiding your purse, carrying your cash on you, locking your valuables in your car trunk or keeping valuables at a friend’s house.

Your finances may also be impacted as a result of helping your child meet financial obligations, such as car payments or insurance premiums.  If your child becomes involved in the court system, you may find yourself paying court costs or attorney fees.  You may have taken on a second job, taken out a loan or second mortgage or delayed retirement.

If you are struggling financially as a result of your child’s behavior, it is time to consider asking your child to leave your home.

Should you ask your child to leave your home?

Your child’s rebellion may manifest itself in physical abuse of you or other family members.  Your child may push, shove or strike others.  Your child may be damaging your property. Your child’s behavior may be so out of control that you rely on the police to manage confrontations in your home.   Even if your child has not acted out aggressively, your child may be attempting to intimidate you with the threat of aggression.  You may be sleeping with your bedroom door locked or you may be keeping a weapon nearby to insure your safety.  Your child should not be allowed to rob you of your security.  If you no longer feel safe in your own home, it is time to consider asking your child to leave.

Your direct or indirect support may be enabling your child to continue a life of destruction.  Providing your child with even basic needs such as food and shelter may be helping to support your child’s behavior.  You may actually become party to actions that are immoral or illegal.  If so, you need to consider asking your child to leave your home.

The continued stress of a rebellious child may have an impact on your physical and/or emotional health.  You may find yourself unable to sleep or you may have difficulty concentrating at work.  You may be relying on sleep aids, antidepressants or alcohol, just to cope.  If your child’s behavior has caused your physical or mental health to deteriorate, it is time to consider asking your child to leave your home.

Before asking your child to leave your home, you must explore all other options.  Is your child willing to explore counseling or treatment programs?  Has what you’ve been doing up to this point been of help?  If you can hold on longer, is it realistic to believe that the situation could improve?  If you have exhausted all possibilities, it is time to consider asking your child to leave your home.

Separating From Your Child

Having the Conversation

The decision to remove your child from your home should not be made in the heat of an argument.  To the extent possible, set aside time in advance and keep the conversation calm.  Make it clear that the decision is being made out of love—not revenge. 

Clearly state your reasons for asking your child to leave.  Explain that it was the child’s actions that have caused the decision to be made.  Set a date for moving out—and then stick to it.  Come to terms on whether your child will ever be able to visit your home.  Discuss visiting arrangements and agree on how you will keep in touch. 

If your child is unwilling to comply with your decision to leave your home, contact your local police department.  Legally, you may have to provide your child with an eviction notice.  Make sure your child hands over your house keys or have the locks reworked.  Clearly state that if your child enters your home without your permission, you will contact the police.  Be certain your child understands that he or she may no longer come and go as a family member.